Loco-News: Dalton Speaks on Occasional Sniper Shots

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Following their 26-10 win over the Cincinnati Bengals in their AFC Wildcard matchup, the Colts revealed that they had spent most of their week relaxing and spending time with family leading up to the game.

“Well, you know Pagano,” an anonymous member of the Colts secondary said. “He and [defensive coordinator] Manusky got together and decided on the perfect game plan. Basically, have everyone shadow receivers from seven, eight yards away and give Dalton time to throw the football. Heck, the only times we sacked Dalton were on missed assignments.”

Andy Dalton finished the game with 155 yards on 18/35 passing, though much of that came in garbage time. The only touchdown from the Bengals came on a one yard run by Jeremy Hill.

“At some point, you have to wonder why we’re even blocking for Andy,” Whitworth told reporters in his post-game press conference. “I mean, I’m not saying I don’t like the guy [laughs], but the definition of an NFL quarterback requires you to actually throw the football.”

We caught up with head coach Marvin Lewis after the game as well, who nonchalantly stated that “it was a good game played by both teams,” rolling his eyes as reporters continued to ask questions. “Next year, we’ll be ready for them.”

When asked about the severity of the injury that Jeremy Hill suffered in the second half, he distractedly replied, “I think he left sometime in the game, but I’m not sure. You’ll have to check with the medical staff. Jeremy’s a tough kid. I’m confident he’ll be ready to suit up for next game with Vontaze Burfict.”

A.J. Green fielded a few questions as well, though he wasn’t allowed to stay long due to camera lights affecting his eyes, and something about “miscellaneous concussion protocol tests” as previously reported by a staff member that came to the podium to address the media before Green arrived. Admittedly, we didn’t get much out of the Bengals star receiver, though he did mention something about Dalton’s continuing pattern of “hanging him out to dry over the middle.”

When asked about whether or not the Bengals offense missed his big-play ability Sunday, Green chuckled and appeared to murmur something about “damn red-rifle NASA shots” away from the microphone.

Of course, the final person to address the media was Andy Dalton himself, smiling, with his hands clasped on his shoulder pads. One reporter questioned why he was still wearing his pads, and Dalton firmly stated that he believed that the added shoulder protection was necessary. “It doubles as cheap Kevlar from the occasional sniper,” he added.

What are your thoughts on the game, Andy?” someone from the back asked.

Dalton turned to look at the reporter, still smiling. “Well, I think we played our hearts out today. The boys really showed up. We lost, but like coach Lewis said, there’s always next year and we’ll probably be ready for them.  Did you see my 18 yard run?  And why does everyone keep calling me a pussy?  I’ll be the first to say I’ve never been a cat person.”

The conference had to end there, as security guards ushered Dalton away from the podium and out of the room. We’ll keep you updated here on the formation of multiple riots just outside of Paul Brown Stadium back in Cincinnati.

 

*Disclaimer: the statements reported in this article are created purely for the humor of readers, and do not in any way reflect the spoken words or thoughts of professional athletes, coaches, or media.

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